my story

I have been working on a story of my highs and lows of my life. My therapist though it would be helpful to get all the different memories in some kind of order. As i kind of remembered things in bit and bobs. So i though i would shaw this with you all.

So hear goes

At the age of 6 months.
My mum and dad spilt up. Mum was having an affair with her another man. (Whom she is still with after 31 years.) The other man gave my mum an ultimatum it was her boyfriend or me. Mum gave me to her boyfriends mum.
(Whom I call Nan.)
As Nan did not want to see me put into care. She offered to look after me.
Nan was married to my granddad. My Nan had 3 daughters and 3 sons.

As a child I only remember bad stuff. Like my Granddad walking out of the house after an argument and never came back. Nan was getting drunk all the time.
D who was one of my Nan’s sons although he was in is 20’s he had a mental age of a 6 year old. Always hit and beat me. Making me do thing I did not want to do.
I remember one time he had an air pistol gun that you could put in little darts in. Then he was told me to do stuff and if I did not do it he would shoot me.
He made me put my hand in a coal fire. He would push me down the stairs. Lock me in my room for days with out food. Made me clean the floors naked with a toothbrush and bleach etc. There is more but I would be here all week typing it all out.

As my Nan was drinking all the time she did not know any thing was going on. I did tell her one-day but she was to drunk to listen. So I went to my mums one day to ask her I could live with her. She said no. So I told her why I wanted to live with her. Her response was I don’t believe you and sent me back to my Nans. This was also affecting my school life too. People told me I stunk and I was fat etc. Te reason for this was I only could fryed food, as I did not have an oven or the vegetables or meat to cook. As my Nan drink the money. I would go to the pub with her. As a child people would give me money to by some sweets but I went to the chip shop. Also I had to take her home undress her when she pass out from the age of 7years. With D always on my back. I would try every thing to go to a friend’s house. To stay over for tea and to sleep over. The first few nights was great I had a dinner then a story read to us. But as I stay over more and more he would take advantage of me. I was asked to bring a friend round too. Then he made me do things to her too. This happened over a five year gap. I would go home to be beaten then go to my friends to be sexually abused. That was my child hood.

Then one day I rang the social services for help and told them every thing. My friends dad was put into prison.
Then I put my self into care at the age of 11. So I went to a family who had one son.
My foster family was really nice at first but it went from one extreme to another. They watched me like a hawk. I would also sleep talk and walk and if they asked me questions and I would tell them every thing I did that day. I could not cope with the way they was in my face. They also said they treated me as on of the family. Things started to go wrong they were constantly watching me asking teachers what I was like at school. Even to a point of becoming friends with one of my teachers. I stared tanning to become a Care assistant at an old people home and bring in my own money £ 35 a week. I had to pay £30 for board leaving me with £5 a week to by soaps and women thing. I also had to buy my own towels, bedding, washing powder etc leaving me with nothing to go with my mates. Then I started to get depressed, have panic attacks and flash backs and I had to go into hospital for my own safety as I wanted to kill my self. I was in there for 5 month’s as I was getting better I started a self help group and met my husband there. I walked in the room and saw Steve sitting in the corner from that minute we knew that something special was going to happen. We arranged to go out together; despite the group warning us it wouldn't work. (What do they know eh?) Within, two months we were engaged. A year later we had our own place. Another year and we were married. We went off, just the two of two friends, to Ashbourne in the Peak District and us and got married quietly. Just when we thought things couldn't get any better, four months later, we found out i was expecting.
It was Boxing Day and I wanted to go to the chemist. Steve thought it was odd, but hadn't got a clue what was going through my mind. i bought a pregnancy kit and we just didn't know what to say. We were so happy when it came out positive. Rowan has changed our lives no-end. We have had so many laughs with him it is unbelievable.

I had depression bad with rowan and things started to get worse. So I went into hospital and the therapist told me about therapeutic community. Rowan was about 3 years of age
I went for 6 months at Frances Dixon lodge. I had to come of all meds and stop self-harming. But I did it! . It was hard I had therapy 24 hours day and night. With support when ever I need it. I found it to hard to open but I did a little bit but then found my self. Missing my husband and child. I only got to see them at weekends.
I put my therapy on hold because I could not get on with another resident. I wanted to be like her and she wanted to be like me total clash. Then one day I could not hold it any more I had the biggest argument with her leading to be voted out by the community. As I scared her but pushing her out of the way to get out of the building. As I was so mad with her.
I got home and things stared to fall apart because I felt like I was just dropped and the can of worms was open that could not be closed. So I was at home for about two years and had some one to one with a therapist. I got a job at the local supper market. 4 hours a day. Then one day some one walked in to the store, which I remembered from my passed. It was one of the people who abused me. Well this made me fall into a psychotic episode. I heard a voice and I was not very well at all. I pushed every one away from me. Then started to self harm again and they put me back on a loads of meds. The meds started to work and I started to come out of the episode. So I asked if I could go back to the community. I went back but there was different people and I kind of known what was expected from me. I did their therapy and learned loads on how to cope with life and learned that there was more to life than me in pain. I looked around and seen my son playing and husband with him having fun. That was it I now know what ever happened to me as a child has gone and there was no need to live there any more. I was not afraid any more of living life.

Until now I was free from meds for a year and a half. I was living life and I was so happy. I was enjoying my son playing and helping him with is homework even enjoyed having him home on school holidays. I was having fun for the first time in ages.
Then thing started to go all-wrong. I started with feeling really tired then snapping at every one around me. I did not really see what was going on. Till it took my husband a bottle of wine and a two glass of whisky to tell me that things was not right. So I rang my CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) to tell her things was not right. So then she rang the psychiatric doctor to get him to assess me. He diagnosed me with a depressive illness. I am finding it hard to cope once again. The bad thoughts are coming back and also I want to self-harm again. It’s so hard as I thought I was out of mental health services. To have all my happiness and able to cope with life pulled away is so cruel. I feel I am back to square one again. I all I hope it the meds the doctor gave me start to work soon. As things have started to fall even deeper. I hear the voice again. I have told my husband and my CPN . so now i live with my voice Chris and Isabella . i dont hear them all the time they come and go. it more like them visiting me. but just of late things are getting to much again. As i want to keep moving and the colours are so bright and every thing looks so interesting. my mind is racing and full of thoughts of new ideas and i feel like i am on a productive high. I was told that i need to calm down from one of my close friend. As she can see me doing stupid/ risky things. so now each afternoon i have to sit in an darkened room with some soft music on for about a hour. my thoughts just seem to come in some order and slow down another for me to calm down a little. my voices are there most of the time at the moment. some time i see things in the corner of my eyes a few time i see some one knocking on the window but go to the door and no one is there.
any way that's me at the moment and a little of my past.
Thanks for taking the time out to read this

Em xxx