God I am feeling guilty.

today mood sad and feel guilty
my husband for the first time since i came back from the therapeutic community. talk to me about why he feels like he can't be interment with me.

He said when we was having relationship therapy, I said i used sex in a different way IE like when i was unhappy i would have sex to make my self feel better. I would do things that would trigger a flashback so it would make me feel like i was back when i was a child. Just for the feeling. but to tell you the truth i am so mixed up with sex and showing some one you love them. i think me doing something that i did not like showed him i loved him.

I have to be less angry at him and rowan. To try and be happy when we do things as a family . As i know you are not well but please try and show rowan. As he said to me that why is mum not happy when we do things like play games.

He said he Feel pressured into making things work. as I has nothing else in her life or no one to turn to. So i don't feel i can make honest comments. In fear of what she may do "its not my fault"

he also said he been though a lot with me and my self harming and when i come home i never know what mood you are going to be in or if you have taken any thing. when i come home it should relaxed in my own home and i can never do that at the moment.

wow just typing this out make me feel guilty. i did not realize how bad i was he was telling what i been like and i could not remember most of what he said. he was reeling loads of stuff and then it hit me. I am evil and nasty.

Also went to a information day on PD. They was talking about how my childhood and how they helped me to be this way and then said how does it affect our children . when we have these intense mood swing and then seeing i hurt my self. ( I did not do it in front of him ) it was when i had bandages on or had a stay in hospital. when he sees me Dissociate and how i change to a little girl. all this behavior and how will it affect him. its hard for my husband its got to be hard for him to.
i feel i have damaged my husband to the point of him being messed up and needing to see a therapist to get things strate in his head.

i just need to get it off my chest.
em xxx