UPDATE

There is only so long you can hold this persona of everything is ok and ticking over nicely. It takes so much energy to keep it up.
I just want to let go of the persona and just let every thing hang out. My emotions and feelings. I keep on go through my mind of passed times i self- harmed and how good it felt and how it made me feel.

I am so tired of fighting for every thing . My psy-doc said that he not ever seen any one like me before, in all the 20 years of him being a psy-doctor . I don't know how to treat you. So he reffed me back to the GP.
so the GP reffed me to some one out of area and then he got a letter back saying

Dear Emma,
Thank you for your letter of referral concerning a second opinion, I'm afraid that our clinic is struggling to meet the care need of derbyshire service users and we just don't have the spare capacity to accept referrals of out of area patients. i am sorry we can not be of help to you in further care.

So i ring up the GP and said ok where do we go from hear? then he said he can referred back to the therapeutic community out patents. In Birmingham which is an 1 hour and 30 min train ride. oh well it looks like i have to do it. as i cant afford to put my mental health at risk.

I have been having intense therapy concerning my abuse and rape . i feel that has been so stressful , I have been having time where i don't know what i am doing. I buy dolls and toys. Some times fined a bag with a purse and a diary with dates and things i don't remember. I also hear voice but iam starting to put together a picture.

My cpn boss rang a few days ago to ask me why i complained about her. The thing is did not do it. Also when i went away with the girls on an 80s weekend. i went on a walk about and got me some toy for a girl. i have a son and i would not buy a pink teddy for him. Any way i got in from my shopping and the girls said i was acting like a kid jumping around and singing nursery rhymes but i have no memory of this at all. they just lol it of and that was the end of that.
But slowly i am piecing together things and when i hear the voice of a little girl. Is it the girl i become. i don't know ? i hear two voice out side my head. one off a little girl and one of an angry man. I am stating to get confused with this stuff what going on. As i only seem to miss time when no one around to see it. except when i was at the 80s weekend.

sigh
em xxx