i have had a great Easter me and Steve are getting on alot better have more cuddles and a few kiss. yippee!!!!
i dont really know what to do really just of late. i have been feeling so so tried just of late. i wake up with burning eyes like as if i have not slept in days. I do not think it the meds. i have been taking vitamins and i have given my self 7 days off the self-help group. i have hit a block with the self-help group and one of the place has pulled out.
this is the email i got back
Hello Emma,
Further to discussions with our project members and Management Committee, we have agreed that a Personality Disorder self-help group at Uttoxeter Mind does not fit in with our Values and Principles and our belief in not "attaching labels" to people. We feel your group would be better served in a more medical setting.
We wish you luck in your endeavours.
Kind regards.
I feel a little disapointed to be honsit. So i have given my self some time off to Just to take stock of every thing.
I feel so emotional and it also looks like i will not have any benefits this time round so it looks like i be £327 down each month. and with Steve moving jobs and he be down about £100 a month to. so i have to stop the gym, my slimming world, driving lesson. it looks like i will not be able to go to meetings out of my area as i can't afford the bus and train fair.
I dont know sigh i can't get lesson of Steve (husband)as he so nervous of me driving. then i start to get wound up because he does not feel comfortable with me driving. i did try to drive but he just make comments that irritate me .
so it looks like i have to get a part time job which iam ok in doing but the pressure of a job not good for me i have tried to work many other time and ended every time in hospital after a year or so. I just worried that if i do go back to work i will fall down again or have some time of and they have to let me go. All so i would have to think about what i am taking on as i has i still want to try and get this self-help group up and running.
Sigh
I really don't know what to do for the best ? ????
any way that's enough about me be for i cry.
hope you all are doing well ?
em xxx
Sunday, 19 April 2009
Thursday, 2 April 2009
update
mood of the day tired and fed up.
how do i feel / that's a good question ? i feel depressed, Sadness (about my relationship), Guilt, shame,neglected, lonely
On a good note my self-help group is coming on and i have a place who is willing for me to start the group. I don't have to pay for the room. The only thing is that it about half hour drive or an hours bus drive. This group taking all my energy. I am shaw it will be worth it in the end.
I am also taking driving lessons. Life is filling up so quickly with things to do. House work, group, even training to teach doctors how to handle people who have personality disorder and try and get them to understand the things we do and there's always a reason why we do things too.
Husbands moving jobs and there will not be as much money as before but he be happy (i hope)
have the doctors appointment tomorrow. so i need to ask him to refer me back to the psy-doc so he can refer me to a two day Theraputic community.
so it looks like i am going to be a very busy girl. it just seem like all work and no play at times.
singing out
for today
em xxx
how do i feel / that's a good question ? i feel depressed, Sadness (about my relationship), Guilt, shame,neglected, lonely
On a good note my self-help group is coming on and i have a place who is willing for me to start the group. I don't have to pay for the room. The only thing is that it about half hour drive or an hours bus drive. This group taking all my energy. I am shaw it will be worth it in the end.
I am also taking driving lessons. Life is filling up so quickly with things to do. House work, group, even training to teach doctors how to handle people who have personality disorder and try and get them to understand the things we do and there's always a reason why we do things too.
Husbands moving jobs and there will not be as much money as before but he be happy (i hope)
have the doctors appointment tomorrow. so i need to ask him to refer me back to the psy-doc so he can refer me to a two day Theraputic community.
so it looks like i am going to be a very busy girl. it just seem like all work and no play at times.
singing out
for today
em xxx
Monday, 30 March 2009
relationship so messed up
mood of the day sh#t and emotional
Today i have come to the conclusion that me and my husband have nothing in common any more. Typical day, Steve gets ready to go to work gives me a pecks me on the lips. Comes home at dinner has some thing to eat. Find it hard to talk to him. So i ask him if work is ok. He grunts at me and say i guess so. Then he eats his food and watches TV. He put his jacket on and pecks me on the cheek. So he comes home from work, he likes s to cook to wind down from work. Ask him how his day been and tell me stuff about work and funny moments. Sit down and eat son go to bed. We sit watching TV and not talking that much so i go on the computer or he goes out to poker if not poker he watches it on TV. I come of computer sit with him for a bit then take my meds and go bed. He stay up and then comes to bed 11 to 12pm. That's my day no affection no just like we are good friends. Some time i go to cuddle him just to see if he wants to or not but he just sits there.I say i love him and he just smiles and say same back.He will not give me a big kiss any more just in case it leads to sex. He says he does not want sex because he does not know how he feels about my abuse and stuff. He will not see any one to try and work on his issues.So i feel very lonely and i miss him so much. I tell him i miss him and i try and be open to how i feel. But he then goes and says hear we go again. I am trying so hard to work on my issues and i have not cut or taken overdoes in years. I some time take lax as it doe not show. God i hate feeling like this fat and ugly. I don’t feel like a woman any more. I am a mum and a cleaning person who cleans after every one. But just of late it’s getting harder to do as i can feel my self-falling. I am trying to grip on to the sides.I am so fed up fighting to get help from doctors and therapy. I have told my GP doctor how i feel as my psy/doctor referred me back to the GP because he does not know how to treat me. He said that i have had my treatment at the therapeutic community. All he can do is give me meds to help treat the symptoms.I am trying to start up my own self-help group and that very hard work. Trying to understand rule and regulations.sighoh well !! I hope you all are doing better than me ?bye for nowEm xx
Today i have come to the conclusion that me and my husband have nothing in common any more. Typical day, Steve gets ready to go to work gives me a pecks me on the lips. Comes home at dinner has some thing to eat. Find it hard to talk to him. So i ask him if work is ok. He grunts at me and say i guess so. Then he eats his food and watches TV. He put his jacket on and pecks me on the cheek. So he comes home from work, he likes s to cook to wind down from work. Ask him how his day been and tell me stuff about work and funny moments. Sit down and eat son go to bed. We sit watching TV and not talking that much so i go on the computer or he goes out to poker if not poker he watches it on TV. I come of computer sit with him for a bit then take my meds and go bed. He stay up and then comes to bed 11 to 12pm. That's my day no affection no just like we are good friends. Some time i go to cuddle him just to see if he wants to or not but he just sits there.I say i love him and he just smiles and say same back.He will not give me a big kiss any more just in case it leads to sex. He says he does not want sex because he does not know how he feels about my abuse and stuff. He will not see any one to try and work on his issues.So i feel very lonely and i miss him so much. I tell him i miss him and i try and be open to how i feel. But he then goes and says hear we go again. I am trying so hard to work on my issues and i have not cut or taken overdoes in years. I some time take lax as it doe not show. God i hate feeling like this fat and ugly. I don’t feel like a woman any more. I am a mum and a cleaning person who cleans after every one. But just of late it’s getting harder to do as i can feel my self-falling. I am trying to grip on to the sides.I am so fed up fighting to get help from doctors and therapy. I have told my GP doctor how i feel as my psy/doctor referred me back to the GP because he does not know how to treat me. He said that i have had my treatment at the therapeutic community. All he can do is give me meds to help treat the symptoms.I am trying to start up my own self-help group and that very hard work. Trying to understand rule and regulations.sighoh well !! I hope you all are doing better than me ?bye for nowEm xx
Thursday, 19 March 2009
God I am feeling guilty.
today mood sad and feel guilty
my husband for the first time since i came back from the therapeutic community. talk to me about why he feels like he can't be interment with me.
He said when we was having relationship therapy, I said i used sex in a different way IE like when i was unhappy i would have sex to make my self feel better. I would do things that would trigger a flashback so it would make me feel like i was back when i was a child. Just for the feeling. but to tell you the truth i am so mixed up with sex and showing some one you love them. i think me doing something that i did not like showed him i loved him.
I have to be less angry at him and rowan. To try and be happy when we do things as a family . As i know you are not well but please try and show rowan. As he said to me that why is mum not happy when we do things like play games.
He said he Feel pressured into making things work. as I has nothing else in her life or no one to turn to. So i don't feel i can make honest comments. In fear of what she may do "its not my fault"
he also said he been though a lot with me and my self harming and when i come home i never know what mood you are going to be in or if you have taken any thing. when i come home it should relaxed in my own home and i can never do that at the moment.
wow just typing this out make me feel guilty. i did not realize how bad i was he was telling what i been like and i could not remember most of what he said. he was reeling loads of stuff and then it hit me. I am evil and nasty.
Also went to a information day on PD. They was talking about how my childhood and how they helped me to be this way and then said how does it affect our children . when we have these intense mood swing and then seeing i hurt my self. ( I did not do it in front of him ) it was when i had bandages on or had a stay in hospital. when he sees me Dissociate and how i change to a little girl. all this behavior and how will it affect him. its hard for my husband its got to be hard for him to.
i feel i have damaged my husband to the point of him being messed up and needing to see a therapist to get things strate in his head.
i just need to get it off my chest.
em xxx
my husband for the first time since i came back from the therapeutic community. talk to me about why he feels like he can't be interment with me.
He said when we was having relationship therapy, I said i used sex in a different way IE like when i was unhappy i would have sex to make my self feel better. I would do things that would trigger a flashback so it would make me feel like i was back when i was a child. Just for the feeling. but to tell you the truth i am so mixed up with sex and showing some one you love them. i think me doing something that i did not like showed him i loved him.
I have to be less angry at him and rowan. To try and be happy when we do things as a family . As i know you are not well but please try and show rowan. As he said to me that why is mum not happy when we do things like play games.
He said he Feel pressured into making things work. as I has nothing else in her life or no one to turn to. So i don't feel i can make honest comments. In fear of what she may do "its not my fault"
he also said he been though a lot with me and my self harming and when i come home i never know what mood you are going to be in or if you have taken any thing. when i come home it should relaxed in my own home and i can never do that at the moment.
wow just typing this out make me feel guilty. i did not realize how bad i was he was telling what i been like and i could not remember most of what he said. he was reeling loads of stuff and then it hit me. I am evil and nasty.
Also went to a information day on PD. They was talking about how my childhood and how they helped me to be this way and then said how does it affect our children . when we have these intense mood swing and then seeing i hurt my self. ( I did not do it in front of him ) it was when i had bandages on or had a stay in hospital. when he sees me Dissociate and how i change to a little girl. all this behavior and how will it affect him. its hard for my husband its got to be hard for him to.
i feel i have damaged my husband to the point of him being messed up and needing to see a therapist to get things strate in his head.
i just need to get it off my chest.
em xxx
my marriage
my relationship well let just say my "what relationship" it just been like i am living with my best mate. It been a 1 year and 5 1/2 months since we have been intermet . I fed up of trying to get him to talk about our relationship. I was the one always trying to see why he feels he can't be intermet with me. Then on Monday just gone he told me.
Steve went on to say I couldn’t cope with having to look after you and worry what mood your going to be in when I get home from work. I am always tipping toeing around you and I am not going to do it any more. I don't know if we can cope like this any more something has to change. So then I said well what would you do if we were to split up. I said that I would not ask for the house and that rowan's. He said that I would like you to pick him up from school till I get from work then have him one day out of the weekend each. Then Steve said well I would get a lone out to give you some money to start a new flat or home. And then I would help you out too. The rowan came back to the table and we could not talk any more. That night I could not stop crying I cried till 3am in the morning and tried to go to bed. But I could not sleep. Morning came and rowan came down stairs I got him some breakfast and then Steve came down too. I just looked at him and burst into tears again. Then he said I couldn’t do this? I said what ya mean he said I couldn’t see you upset like this it killing me.
Steve went on to say I couldn’t cope with having to look after you and worry what mood your going to be in when I get home from work. I am always tipping toeing around you and I am not going to do it any more. I don't know if we can cope like this any more something has to change. So then I said well what would you do if we were to split up. I said that I would not ask for the house and that rowan's. He said that I would like you to pick him up from school till I get from work then have him one day out of the weekend each. Then Steve said well I would get a lone out to give you some money to start a new flat or home. And then I would help you out too. The rowan came back to the table and we could not talk any more. That night I could not stop crying I cried till 3am in the morning and tried to go to bed. But I could not sleep. Morning came and rowan came down stairs I got him some breakfast and then Steve came down too. I just looked at him and burst into tears again. Then he said I couldn’t do this? I said what ya mean he said I couldn’t see you upset like this it killing me.
Saturday, 14 March 2009
UPDATE
There is only so long you can hold this persona of everything is ok and ticking over nicely. It takes so much energy to keep it up.
I just want to let go of the persona and just let every thing hang out. My emotions and feelings. I keep on go through my mind of passed times i self- harmed and how good it felt and how it made me feel.
I am so tired of fighting for every thing . My psy-doc said that he not ever seen any one like me before, in all the 20 years of him being a psy-doctor . I don't know how to treat you. So he reffed me back to the GP.
so the GP reffed me to some one out of area and then he got a letter back saying
Dear Emma,
Thank you for your letter of referral concerning a second opinion, I'm afraid that our clinic is struggling to meet the care need of derbyshire service users and we just don't have the spare capacity to accept referrals of out of area patients. i am sorry we can not be of help to you in further care.
So i ring up the GP and said ok where do we go from hear? then he said he can referred back to the therapeutic community out patents. In Birmingham which is an 1 hour and 30 min train ride. oh well it looks like i have to do it. as i cant afford to put my mental health at risk.
I have been having intense therapy concerning my abuse and rape . i feel that has been so stressful , I have been having time where i don't know what i am doing. I buy dolls and toys. Some times fined a bag with a purse and a diary with dates and things i don't remember. I also hear voice but iam starting to put together a picture.
My cpn boss rang a few days ago to ask me why i complained about her. The thing is did not do it. Also when i went away with the girls on an 80s weekend. i went on a walk about and got me some toy for a girl. i have a son and i would not buy a pink teddy for him. Any way i got in from my shopping and the girls said i was acting like a kid jumping around and singing nursery rhymes but i have no memory of this at all. they just lol it of and that was the end of that.
But slowly i am piecing together things and when i hear the voice of a little girl. Is it the girl i become. i don't know ? i hear two voice out side my head. one off a little girl and one of an angry man. I am stating to get confused with this stuff what going on. As i only seem to miss time when no one around to see it. except when i was at the 80s weekend.
sigh
em xxx
I just want to let go of the persona and just let every thing hang out. My emotions and feelings. I keep on go through my mind of passed times i self- harmed and how good it felt and how it made me feel.
I am so tired of fighting for every thing . My psy-doc said that he not ever seen any one like me before, in all the 20 years of him being a psy-doctor . I don't know how to treat you. So he reffed me back to the GP.
so the GP reffed me to some one out of area and then he got a letter back saying
Dear Emma,
Thank you for your letter of referral concerning a second opinion, I'm afraid that our clinic is struggling to meet the care need of derbyshire service users and we just don't have the spare capacity to accept referrals of out of area patients. i am sorry we can not be of help to you in further care.
So i ring up the GP and said ok where do we go from hear? then he said he can referred back to the therapeutic community out patents. In Birmingham which is an 1 hour and 30 min train ride. oh well it looks like i have to do it. as i cant afford to put my mental health at risk.
I have been having intense therapy concerning my abuse and rape . i feel that has been so stressful , I have been having time where i don't know what i am doing. I buy dolls and toys. Some times fined a bag with a purse and a diary with dates and things i don't remember. I also hear voice but iam starting to put together a picture.
My cpn boss rang a few days ago to ask me why i complained about her. The thing is did not do it. Also when i went away with the girls on an 80s weekend. i went on a walk about and got me some toy for a girl. i have a son and i would not buy a pink teddy for him. Any way i got in from my shopping and the girls said i was acting like a kid jumping around and singing nursery rhymes but i have no memory of this at all. they just lol it of and that was the end of that.
But slowly i am piecing together things and when i hear the voice of a little girl. Is it the girl i become. i don't know ? i hear two voice out side my head. one off a little girl and one of an angry man. I am stating to get confused with this stuff what going on. As i only seem to miss time when no one around to see it. except when i was at the 80s weekend.
sigh
em xxx
Tuesday, 10 March 2009
who am I
My therapist asked me this question.
who are you ?
I sat there thinking for at least 10 minutes or so. Then went on to say i am a mum, a wife, a friend, a sister. Then stopped and my mind went blank. I went home thinking of that question for the rest of the day. I still dont know the real answer to that question. I though I am my past and that's affect the future. Then i realized that i was still living in the past.
Then i though of the future and what life would be like, being at peace with my child hood abuse. I tackle some issues then think yes i made it . Then some thing would trigger me.
I dont think i be ever truly happy. people contently remind me of my past.
example (My husband talking to his mum about a holiday they had. )
Then it would make me think back . On how my child-hood was rob away. I some time feel my self get jealous of my own son and friends for have a loving mum and dad and take him on days out and play game and going on holiday. How bad its that? that you are jealous of your own son and husband and friends that they had a better child hood then you.
Then they look at me and then expect me to say a memory of my child hood that was a happy . but the thing is i dont remember any thing that was good in my child hood not one thing.
how can you draw a line when you are constently reminded.
well iam going to call it at that for now and i carry on with my though and feeling as time goes on
thanks for reading this
em xxx
who are you ?
I sat there thinking for at least 10 minutes or so. Then went on to say i am a mum, a wife, a friend, a sister. Then stopped and my mind went blank. I went home thinking of that question for the rest of the day. I still dont know the real answer to that question. I though I am my past and that's affect the future. Then i realized that i was still living in the past.
Then i though of the future and what life would be like, being at peace with my child hood abuse. I tackle some issues then think yes i made it . Then some thing would trigger me.
I dont think i be ever truly happy. people contently remind me of my past.
example (My husband talking to his mum about a holiday they had. )
Then it would make me think back . On how my child-hood was rob away. I some time feel my self get jealous of my own son and friends for have a loving mum and dad and take him on days out and play game and going on holiday. How bad its that? that you are jealous of your own son and husband and friends that they had a better child hood then you.
Then they look at me and then expect me to say a memory of my child hood that was a happy . but the thing is i dont remember any thing that was good in my child hood not one thing.
how can you draw a line when you are constently reminded.
well iam going to call it at that for now and i carry on with my though and feeling as time goes on
thanks for reading this
em xxx
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