My therapist asked me this question.
who are you ?
I sat there thinking for at least 10 minutes or so. Then went on to say i am a mum, a wife, a friend, a sister. Then stopped and my mind went blank. I went home thinking of that question for the rest of the day. I still dont know the real answer to that question. I though I am my past and that's affect the future. Then i realized that i was still living in the past.
Then i though of the future and what life would be like, being at peace with my child hood abuse. I tackle some issues then think yes i made it . Then some thing would trigger me.
I dont think i be ever truly happy. people contently remind me of my past.
example (My husband talking to his mum about a holiday they had. )
Then it would make me think back . On how my child-hood was rob away. I some time feel my self get jealous of my own son and friends for have a loving mum and dad and take him on days out and play game and going on holiday. How bad its that? that you are jealous of your own son and husband and friends that they had a better child hood then you.
Then they look at me and then expect me to say a memory of my child hood that was a happy . but the thing is i dont remember any thing that was good in my child hood not one thing.
how can you draw a line when you are constently reminded.
well iam going to call it at that for now and i carry on with my though and feeling as time goes on
thanks for reading this
em xxx
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There are two versions of me: the one the doctors see where I am diagnosed with severe major depressive disorder with psychotic features, textbook borderline personality disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and chronic post traumatic stress disorder, a man who uses self harm to keep my grip on reality and overall a patient who is a pain in the butt. The other side is a father to a little boy, a person who has dedicated their life to helping others, a man who is struggling to figure out who he is and a new person who is trying to develop into the person I want to be. Not an easy question. take care
ReplyDeleteah! i get what he was trying to say now.
ReplyDeleteok i am a child who want to be loved and wants to be needed. who wants to cry and show emotions.
i am also a women who has needs and who craves love from her husband. Also needs to be wanted. Wants to be happy and to live life to the full.
But also there is a sacred part of me what is angry and hate life and wants to be back in time. when she knows what going to happen. As the future is so scary new situations, watching and waiting for some thing to happen. Needing to right the scales between good and bad.
who also want to punsh her self.for the bad deeds she has done back when she was a child.
Em xxx